The Sorry Syndrome

Do You Suffer From a Habit of Apologising All the Time?

Feb 14, 2009 Paulomi Patel

It's certainly polite to say "I'm sorry" when we've made a mistake. However, it can be self deprecating and annoying when you apologise too often.

I always knew I had a ‘sorry habit’”, says Nora, 34, banker, “but it was only when my friends started ridiculing me and blaming me all the time, that I realized that it was my constant apologising, even at times when it was not my fault, that needed to be stopped.”

If Nora’s story sounds familiar, and you too find yourself in a perpetual state of apology, then you may be suffering from, what experts call, the ‘Sorry Syndrome’. Look back and think how many times a day do you apologise? While saying ‘sorry’ is a way to balance or clarify a situation, those dealing with the Sorry Syndrome are plagued with the compulsive habit of vindicating themselves by saying ‘sorry’ all the time.

Women - More Sorry?

Studies show that women are more likely to apologise then men. Between men and women, men find apologies distancing (if you need to apologise to someone, it means you're not close friends) whereas, as a gender, women are programmed to build relationships and saying ‘sorry’, is often a way for them to cement relations say psychologists.

“Women say, ‘I'm sorry’ much more than men because of our nurturing nature and our desire to make everyone happy,” says Dr. Susan Gaddis of the personal communication website: communicationsdoctor.com

From some very important to some absolute mundane, there are different reasons why women keep apologising. Some do it to settle situations, while there are others who do so to gain acceptance. An assertive woman on her way up the career path, may feel the need to keep apologizing to fit in and make those around her more comfortable.

Often, women don’t say ‘sorry’ just to be forgiven. Apologising comes almost unconsciously to some women, who say ‘sorry’ just like saying ‘hello’ or ‘good bye’. In fact, non-apologetic phrases like ‘excuse-me’ and even ‘please’ are being replaced by ‘sorry’.

“An ex once told me that he could not interpret my ‘sorrys’. So, he put them into two categories – 1. Sorry, when I was really apologising and 2. Sorry when I was exasperated. And even now, I often find myself having to explain which one I mean,” says Minnie, 28, who is another self-confessed ‘sorry-addict’.

Washington-based gender communications expert, Deborah Tannen calls this phenomenon a conversational ritual for women. Ritual or not, if you keep apologising, it becomes a form of depression. When you accept blame, even though you are not at fault, it shows a weak character. By saying sorry, you give away your power, and this jeopardizes your image.

“Saying ‘I'm sorry’ too often, especially when we know that we've done the right thing, can be dangerous,” says Dr. Gaddis. “When others see us taking a submissive role too often, they may think they can take advantage of us.”

When done repeatedly it is self-depreciating and points out to one’s issues with identity. This happens when you place someone else on a higher pedestal. Your mind automatically accepts that such a person is always ‘right’, and conversely, you are ‘wrong’. And then, you feel compelled to apologise for your ‘perceived’ inadequacies. The quality of our life depends directly on the choices we make and how we act upon them. Part of the process of building a healthy self esteem comes from doing things as promised and not being apologetic about them. By saying ‘sorry’ too often, you tend to stay regretful and remorseful longer – this affects your mental health.

Do You Suffer from the Sorry Syndrome?

Here’s a quick way of finding out. Would you say sorry in the following situations? If yes, then it’s time to stop saying ‘sorry’.

  • If you’ve not understood something.
  • If you brush against someone.
  • When you’re trying to settle an argument.
  • When you’re aware that you know better, but you would rather humour the opposite person.
  • When you are trying to be assertive about a situation.
  • When you know you have done something because there was a need for it.
  • When you know you are better educated than someone you are talking to.

Cure Yourself Out of the Sorry Habit:

Take a good look at yourself. If you are one of those who diminish their own power by apologizing often, it’s time to eliminate ‘I’m sorry’ from your daily-speak. Here are some simple solutions:

  • Count the number of times you say sorry in a day.
  • Make a mark somewhere every time you apologise.
  • Pay attention, do you actually mean an apology, or are you just casually throwing the phrase around?
  • Keep your power, accept what you have achieved in life without feeling insecure about it.

The copyright of the article The Sorry Syndrome in Women’s Health is owned by Paulomi Patel. Permission to republish The Sorry Syndrome in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.